Psychoneurosis is a mental disorder involving distress,and may manifest itself into depression. It has been most simply defined as a "poor ability to adapt to one's environment, an inability to change one's life patterns, and the inability to develop a richer, more complex, more satisfying personality.
This blog is not dead.
I'm bringing it back to life tonight.
New music, new wardrobe, new surface, new gadgets,new frieds, new boys, new experiences...
Same old room where I started out.
Its sad to know I spend my worst moments in this room and everytime I walk in to it, every memory subconsciously hits me again.
This is where I started out. I'll remember
"Writing To Reach You" (the blog that was eradicated to make way for LXJ) for a very long time.
And abandonment wont grow over the empty words in this blog.
They may just mean something to someone....anyone.
LXJ is...
So anyway, since the abandonment of this blog in the early Januaries, it should be fair for me to go over this past half a year month by month.
I can only hope I get it all right.
Get it all out.
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January------------------
I was...as I recall...cold, angry, hurt and self pitying.
The world was a graveyard and I was just walking amongst the dead. No one in a sea of millions. Sadness was my only company,and ironically, the poison to my head.
I wasn't looking for a way out. I understood much more from this solemn point of view, a much more solid understanding about this world; that is was fragile, and we were breaking it. I hated myself and everyone else for it.
Hair colour : Blonde streak
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Febuary-----------------
I think, I may have started to make real friends. I was being happy again.
But a large part of me still felt lonely and unsolved.
But my new friends were making up for it, big time.
Everything was brand new again. I'd become very attached to my new found company that I thought I never needed.
College was a blast.
Joyrides and random outings, skipping classes and just utterly obscene moments.
A single, significant part of my life was worth living again.
However, there were some problems.
Time.
Old friends were somewhat taken for granted and pushed behind. My blog was seeing less and less updates, photography and art was something of the past for the most part.
And walking to college everyday, 2 hours train rides, waking up at 6 for a class that started at 10.30 and reaching home at 8 pm for a class that ended at 3.30....
Wore me out and made me lose weight....but wore me out.
Life, was still a blast.
Hair colour : Black with red tips.
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March-------------
I had never felt so attached to friends as I did now.
They were the only thing that kept me from falling apart, and thats precisely why I hated going home.....because everytime I did, I fell apart all over again.
Until I woke up, sat on a train for 2 hours, walked for 20 minutes and felt okay again.
So, I moved out and lived 5 minutes away from college.
Plus, there was this boy (who I did't have an interest in until after I moved) in this midst of friendships being broken and made.
And everything was against him. But there was just something about him....
So...I chose to pursue...opposing what my new found friends said. Which led me to another dark time that was about to come in the following months of my life.
Hair colour : Still red. Fading. Almost as if telling me the bad times are coming.
Or maybe its just how dye works :P
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April---------------
I had reached a level of disconnection with most of my friends.
Assignments were taking over me and living away from home was both a burden and convenience at the same time.
I had my World Issues conferene with UNICEF which was a painstaking task but the class made it.
The boy and I were steady and great.
But my friends.....that was another story
It was when the depression started evolving again and made me realise that I'll never be content. Photography was a thing of the past.
After The Great (computer) Crash, even music was non existant.
Something was missing and my only solution was to crawl into dark corners and search for it again.
Then it hit me.
My sadness was missing.
And that, for some fucked up reason, hurt me.
Hair colour : purple
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May----------------
If I could rewind and make May never happen, I would.
My grandma passed away one Saturday.
It was very unexpected and I felt angry at the people who didn't tell me when they knew.
I usually go home on Saturdays but chose to stay back in college that weekend....I could have been there with her...
She lived with me, raised me.
My elder brother from UK rushed back for the funeral in the midst of his exams. My mom, an only child, was crushed.
Things soon passed, and new problems arose.
I realised I couldn't live with my family anymore and I didn't belong anywhere.
I was moving out of my room near college, and at home, it just wasn't the same anymore.
Things started falling apart.
The first semester of college was coming to an end though, I can just start over anyway.
Hair colour : A rusty, faded, dirty brown. How symbolic.
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June----------------
My life is now divided to two extremes.
Extreme happiness with renewed friendships and true love.
Extreme sadness thats trapped inside my head which finds me when I'm alone.
Sadly, I'm alone a lot these days.
Prom was the biggest, awaited and final event. Drama went down but it all turned out okay.
Random roadtrips were quite often and being broke is not an option.
I'm alive and utterly dead again.
Music is coming back.
Writing is coming back
Drawing is coming back.
Does that mean sadness is coming back?
Hair colour : Jet black.
It's a bit strange how everything comes back full circle.
Because I can feel the past clawing at me again.
